The Joy of Starbucks

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Who here has heard of Starbucks? Or a better question: who here hasn’t heard of Starbucks? The word itself is virtually in the dictionary at this point.According to a 2022 survey conducted by Alexander Kunst from Statista, the coffee brand is familiar to 92% of Americans. But why, one might wonder (as my own mother has). Why does this brand have a chokehold over virtually all of America? Why the obsession with overpriced, artificially flavored drinks? Why the annual seasonal cult over the Pumpkin Spice Latte?

The truth is that Starbucks is not just coffee: it’s a way of life. No, it’s life itself.

Starbucks is an expression of self-autonomy

The Starbucks menu is endless. The simple number of drinks available rivals the number of recorded Florida men; coffees, teas, and drinks galore come in hundreds of different varieties. Take the cold brew – a seemingly simplistic, minimalistic drink – for example. According to the official Starbucks mobile app, there are eight flavors total.

This plethora of choices is not the end. No. After going through an existential crisis to choose what to drink, there are still ten more options to get through on the customization page. A million different add-ons can be, you guessed it, added (surprise!) to whatever drink of your choosing. The lengths of these customizations are sometimes long enough to be mistaken for a Middlesex paragraph. The point is that the possibilities are endless! There is no limit! Reach for your dreams! Just ignore your dwindling credit card balance and you’ll be fine. Now excuse me while I go order my iced Tall Salted Caramel Cream Cold Brew with 2 Pumps of Caramel Syrup, Extra Salted Caramel Cream Cold Foam, Caramel Crunch Topping, New Dark Caramel Sauce, and Spiced Apple Drizzle (with light ice, of course, to maximize drink space).

These options are all for you, valued customer. In the cold, hard world where capitalism reigns over the suffering working class, Starbucks is the lighthouse of hope that guides us in this dark, cruel sea of despair. Every time you decide on your drink, you are defying fate and society. Every time you add in that extra topping, you are forging your own destiny. Every time you order at Starbucks, you are asserting your own self-autonomy. Huzzah!

Starbucks is an experience

Want a quick cup of coffee? Just go to Starbucks. Want a quick bite instead? Go to Starbucks. A place to sit? Study? Chat? Date? Host business meetings? All of the answers unanimously point toward Starbucks. According to Vox, Starbucks is almost a “semi-public utility” at this point.

In every location, there are the same guarantees: the same industrial-use chairs and tables, polished to the brim to imitate luxury while still being cheap enough to mass-produce; charging outlets, bathrooms, and decent Wi-Fi; passable AC and heating; and a degree of cleanliness.

And so, entering a Starbucks is like entering a dream: surreal and alienating–in the best way possible. In a world dominated by entropy (not to mention the aforementioned capitalism), Starbucks is the one beacon of stability holding steadfast. No matter what happens, it’ll always be the same, anywhere, everywhere. You always know what to expect when you enter one. You can escape from whatever else is happening. And paramountly (thanks Words 1!), everything’s almost free. If you think about it, all you really have to pay for is a couple of bucks for a drink. The rest is free.

Or is it?

Morgan Kim