Davis “The Destroyer” Hale

This is the new Anvil profile of the issue, where we will detail the life and the oddities of each month’s lucky Zebra, for December? Davis Hale.

Ah, Davis Hale. I honestly don’t even know where to start with this fine, muscular specimen of a man. I know I speak for a lot of the Middlesex community when I say that every time I lay my eyes on Davis, I feel some type of way, especially when I see him rocked out in his vacuum-sealed skin-tight khakis and cashmere quarter-zip. Davis is simply a staple of the Middlesex community: a handsome, hardworking, and intelligent individual geared for success. Yet though an idol to many on the outside, Davis is in fact just like the rest of us – a chronic procrastinator and a food lover.

Davis managed to get into Middlesex two years ago, where his life would take a dramatic turn. For the first time in his life, Davis had to navigate the social aspects of life and could no longer rely on his mom to pay people to be friends with him (Hudson Hinckley and I are on the payroll though). He is a funny, comedic person who really appreciates a good joke and will watch an ungodly amount of SNL and comedy skits to the point where it concerns me if his brain is okay, so he’s done well here.

“I really like food.” Davis has probably said this at some point in his life. Davis really likes to eat food, yet does it in mysterious ways. He will starve himself after breakfast to around 9 PM, favoring to sit quietly in judgment and a Barbour jacket at the lunch table. And then you witness the nightly havoc he releases on an AP buffalo chicken calzone. Sitting in his office chair with SNL in the background and diet coke, Davis commits such heinous acts to that buffalo calzone that I, unfortunately, can not put down on paper. His room is typically off limits from 8-9 PM because its stench is so wretched from the calzone, but then the stench gets even worse once he sprays an entire bottle of Febreeze throughout his room every single night. I am still scared to walk in there and take a breath of the Febreeze because I think he will be the reason I contract a terrible lung disease later in life. That stuff can not be good for you. But Davis thinks it smells amazing and breathes in heavy amounts daily which might explain why a few things are wrong with his brain. 

What makes Davis, however, is his light-hearted character and that he takes everything in stride, whether a bad test score or a joke made in his direction. Even though we may poke fun at him, Davis is really one of the most incredible people I have met in my life. I do not show enough appreciation for Davis Hale even though I know that he is my best friend and will be someone I stick with for the rest of my life, and I can count on him for a laugh or a serious conversation when the time comes. Davis is one of those people that makes me grateful for coming to Middlesex so I had the honor to meet someone like him, as I simply can’t imagine a life without him. I want to thank him for being the person he is and making my time here more than special. Despite all of our differences at Middlesex, we can all at least bond over one thing: we all love Davis Hale.

Will Frank